I can name a lot of people who deserve a huge lump of coal in their stockings. But that’s all Santa’s department and none of my business. Lately, he’s been having a hard time finding enough real coal to give out to all the naughty ones, since it’s mostly being depleted for energy purposes. Instead, Santa is opting to wrap gifts for this year’s blacklisted kids with this faux Lump of Coal Cachette.
Tied with a dash of red and white bakery twine, the sparkly gem comes with a gift tag that reads, “For You.” Do we need to mention it makes a great stocking stuffer? Yeah, didn’t think so. Lump of coal is covered with black and blue glitter and measures 3″x4″.
Christmas morning scene: Bad person checks out stocking and says, “It sparkles, it’s heavy, it’s not a charred acorn, not a meteor, not a diamond. Hey, it opens! Let’s see what’s inside. Not Uh-Oh Emergency Underpants and the World’s Smallest Jigsaw Puzzle! Aww, c’mon Santa! I swear, I can change.”
Santa’s helpers can get the Lump of Coal Cachette at Fred Flare for $18.